I'm staying off facebook until i see the new Star Wars movie(hopefully this weekend)I saw one post already saying "spoilers" so I just shut facebook down. Yeah it wouldnt kill me to see a few spoilers, but it would be nice to see it first hand and actually not have a movie ruined for me for a change.(plus facebook wastes to much of my time since i have no life)
Then there is this girl at work I have been working with closely for about a month now. She is 40 so close to my age of 49. Petite and cute has an innocence about her I really like(kinda like hanging out with my grandson in the sense of watching them discover things for the first time she is more just excited about simple things like discovering snicker bars have cute sayings)She has her vulnerablitys which just make me want to protect her. She will sit very close to me and touch me a lot at times which tells me she likes me, but being at work with the type of clients we work with we really cant talk about yourselfs much. I'M trying to figure out if I like her like her, or if its just because I have just been alone for waaaaay to long. I'm pretty sure its both, but even if I hadnt been alone for so long I would be falling for her I'm pretty sure. But she is confusing and I cant tell for sure if she does really like me or its just because she is really a very nice person(which she is)another thing I really like about her is she puts her daughter before anything else(so unlike my ex wife who always put herself before her kids).
A couple of weeks ago we both had a pretty crap work week and she was talking about us going to get a drink after work. but hours later she got a migraine which was obvious with how she started to get very pale and I let her go home early. Then yesterday we were discussing the schedule for next week and unless they get someone else we will be working on christmas together. she made the comment "we get to spend christmas together"and got a smile on her face. Ugh this would be so much easier if I wasnt her supervisor and or we wernt working together I would just ask her out, but I don't need things to be weird if its only one sided and she really doesnt like me that way.
When she hands me things though she lets her hand touch mine and lets it linger. but then I have texted her last week about her likeing random items heart shapped. She started showing me pictures on her phone of things she has discovered heart shapped and she just lite up with joy. It was so very attractive to me. but she never responded to my text I had sent her.
The last time I was truly happy it pissed everyone off around me except the woman I was seeing. I was even told by relatives I needed to not see her because I needed to focus on my daughter who needed me because she was pregnant(my daughter was the only one happy for me)and as soon as that relationship died everyone around me was happy. It was very upsetting to me. And most of these people had no idea I was in any kind of relationship.
Sometimes I really feel like for me to be truly happy everyone around me is misserable. But I just keep trying to not worry about whether or not others are happy by me being happy.
And to top it off its the holiday season which likes to rub my nose into the fact I am yet again single and really makes me not in the holiday spirt. Then of course another New Year is looming over me not looking much better than last year.
Sometimes I just want to run away from everything and live in the woods all alone, I'm pretty sure I would feel less alone being alone than when I come into town and surrounded by people and not technically alone(but I feel so alone)Last weekend I had a good 15 minute converstion with a barrista (who I dont even know her name)it was a nice conversation, but it just made me realize just how alone I am most of the time. I go to work then home again and have no real quality converstions more than a few times a month.
The older I get the more lonely I get and the more I really want someone to come home to. Someone to just sit down with and spend time with, someone to go on adventures together. It gets harder to be around couples. at the same time I don't want to go out even with single friends(not that I have many of those)I just dont want to be alone anymore.
Well I feel a little better after rambeling on and on ;)
Now to just focus on me this next year, I really need to figure out how to get my self on some kind of work out schedule. I do know when I did all my physical therapy I felt much better.