Got suspended at work
Hello
darkphilodox
Been depressed not knowing whats going to happen with work, i just need to try harder to find another job.

Noticed i havent posted on here since December of 2015 about a girl i worked with(that didnt work out)

Now need to get out of this funk and get my act together and get a new improved job

being lonley
itch
darkphilodox
I'm staying off facebook until i see the new Star Wars movie(hopefully this weekend)I saw one post already saying "spoilers" so I just shut facebook down. Yeah it wouldnt kill me to see a few spoilers, but it would be nice to see it first hand and actually not have a movie ruined for me for a change.(plus facebook wastes to much of my time since i have no life)

Then there is this girl at work I have been working with closely for about a month now. She is 40 so close to my age of 49. Petite and cute has an innocence about her I really like(kinda like hanging out with my grandson in the sense of watching them discover things for the first time she is more just excited about simple things like discovering snicker bars have cute sayings)She has her vulnerablitys which just make me want to protect her. She will sit very close to me and touch me a lot at times which tells me she likes me, but being at work with the type of clients we work with we really cant talk about yourselfs much. I'M trying to figure out if I like her like her, or if its just because I have just been alone for waaaaay to long. I'm pretty sure its both, but even if I hadnt been alone for so long I would be falling for her I'm pretty sure. But she is confusing and I cant tell for sure if she does really like me or its just because she is really a very nice person(which she is)another thing I really like about her is she puts her daughter before anything else(so unlike my ex wife who always put herself before her kids).

A couple of weeks ago we both had a pretty crap work week and she was talking about us going to get a drink after work. but hours later she got a migraine which was obvious with how she started to get very pale and I let her go home early. Then yesterday we were discussing the schedule for next week and unless they get someone else we will be working on christmas together. she made the comment "we get to spend christmas together"and got a smile on her face. Ugh this would be so much easier if I wasnt her supervisor and or we wernt working together I would just ask her out, but I don't need things to be weird if its only one sided and she really doesnt like me that way.
When she hands me things though she lets her hand touch mine and lets it linger. but then I have texted her last week about her likeing random items heart shapped. She started showing me pictures on her phone of things she has discovered heart shapped and she just lite up with joy. It was so very attractive to me. but she never responded to my text I had sent her.
The last time I was truly happy it pissed everyone off around me except the woman I was seeing. I was even told by relatives I needed to not see her because I needed to focus on my daughter who needed me because she was pregnant(my daughter was the only one happy for me)and as soon as that relationship died everyone around me was happy. It was very upsetting to me. And most of these people had no idea I was in any kind of relationship.

Sometimes I really feel like for me to be truly happy everyone around me is misserable. But I just keep trying to not worry about whether or not others are happy by me being happy.

And to top it off its the holiday season which likes to rub my nose into the fact I am yet again single and really makes me not in the holiday spirt. Then of course another New Year is looming over me not looking much better than last year.

Sometimes I just want to run away from everything and live in the woods all alone, I'm pretty sure I would feel less alone being alone than when I come into town and surrounded by people and not technically alone(but I feel so alone)Last weekend I had a good 15 minute converstion with a barrista (who I dont even know her name)it was a nice conversation, but it just made me realize just how alone I am most of the time. I go to work then home again and have no real quality converstions more than a few times a month.
The older I get the more lonely I get and the more I really want someone to come home to. Someone to just sit down with and spend time with, someone to go on adventures together. It gets harder to be around couples. at the same time I don't want to go out even with single friends(not that I have many of those)I just dont want to be alone anymore.
Well I feel a little better after rambeling on and on ;)

Now to just focus on me this next year, I really need to figure out how to get my self on some kind of work out schedule. I do know when I did all my physical therapy I felt much better.

posting more
itch
darkphilodox
I keep wanting to post more on here, but I just keep forgetting to and posting dumb random stuff on facebook instead.
Next week I only work 3 days and then will have 5 days off to spend with my grandson and visit with friends.

It's good having an income and being able to mostly pay my way again has been nice, but I would love my job to be watching my grandson full time :) now if only my daughter and her boyfriend got some really great high paying jobs so they could afford to pay me ;)

Biggie Fluffy McPuddy Smalls
itch
darkphilodox
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Ah Biggie you were a fun cat and tolerant of me dragging you out on adventures ;)

I have had family die over the years, but none of there passing has hit me as hard as this one cat who was only in my life for less than five years.
But we instantly bounded unlike any other pet I have ever had, also he was my first real pet that was truly mine :) Actually truly his, he ran things waking me up with a swipe to the nose(usually nicely)to his soft meows.

One Time I came home after being gone at work for a day and a half when he was a kitten. He met me at the door and then walked into my room all the while watching to make sure that was where I was going. He then glared at me and peed on the floor.
He did that one other time when I came home really late after being stuck at work, he was ok at first but obviously got made when I immediately left with the dog to get my car that was locked out of the gated community I live in and had forgot my gate key that day. Once I got back he was sitting on a small box and just peed on it with his back towards me. I luckily realized quickly what he was doing and got the box outside before the pee soaked through.

He went through fazes where he would sleep next time me for weeks sometimes covered up. To where he would stay outside all summer.

He used to try and steal my steak off my plate and once when he was a kitten he was watching me eat steak and as I brought a bite up to eat he stuck his claws into it and we had a tug a war :)

Yup he was spoiled I gave him meat all the time and lots of attention even when he didnt really want it.

Rest in Peace Biggie I will miss you a lot! 2010-Febuary 2nd 2015

Its a new year 2015
itch
darkphilodox
Last year had its up and downs for sure!

My first Grandson was born January 11th he is almost one :)

I quit a job of 18 plus years that I should have quit years before.
Put my self out there and tried some new things, things didnt work out the way i was hoping and it set me back emotionaly.
Because of things I was able to spend lots of time with my grandson so that was great!

I went and applied for college the end of the year and now I really need to get off my butt and get that all taken care of so I can actually go.

I'm going to try real hard and make this another year of change for me. The trick is to make them all positive changes.

I have been in such a rut for way to many years and its hard not to get right back into the same bad habbits which of course wont bring the changes I need and want in my life.

Change is hard for me, but I made changes last year now to make more and bigger ones!

happy new year
itch
darkphilodox
Now the trick is to make it a GREAT YEAR!

Physical therapy
itch
darkphilodox
I went and did PT today and hurt from it and climbing stairs to get to PT, but I think it's mostly a good hurt.
Focusing on light stuff so not to injury myself more like stretches and ab work out's that I noticed after a few hours of doing them.

I'm really hoping I can stay focused on working out even after PT is said and done, I always feel so much better after I have worked out.
My main concern is stupid work getting in the way, which means I need to make that not happen one way or another.

Oh and ice packs are my friend as well as hot soaks in my tub. Which always reminds me I need my hot tub fixed which may of been able to happen if I hadnt hurt myself. But now i will be lucky to get a full month of work in let alone any overtime to make that happen. I should have had close to 80 hours of OT this month, but on the bright side I have been pretty much stress free this last week since I only worked last sunday :)

Kitties
itch
darkphilodox
I had nibbler spayed today and Penelope had her shots.

Poor nibbler is all drugged up and cant walk yet :( but I was told by tomorrow she will be her old self.
Penelope can get spayed after 5 months, but they prefer to do them after 6 months which should be fine I would think.
Ricky now we are still looking for a home for him, but will probably go and get him his shots and if he is still around get him Neutered. He is very cute and I would love to keep him as well, but I really shouldn't have more than one cat let alone 4 cats and a dog in this house.

Hurt my back at work
itch
darkphilodox
While at work today just a few hours before I was set to get off I went and stood up to grab books to chart in when I twisted to do so and pulled muscles in my lower left back area around my hip as well.

I popped ibproffen and iced it really well, once home I hung out by a campfire(which only helped my mood)then soaked in a hot bathtub. that all seemed to help some, but I'm still hurting some and I'm sure I wont be able to do my job for awhile.

Oh well I fucking hate my job anymore! My clients really could care less if I was there or not(this may not be true, but I know they got along with out me once)Maybe I can use this chance to change careers and get an actual life I can be happy with :)

Time to get motivated!
itch
darkphilodox
Breakfast eaten, now to go play with concrete while the we ther holds.

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